My moments

I hope I am not too depressing for everyone else when I write these blogs but this is my outlet.  I see too many doctors to have time to see a therapists, so this is my therapy.  I've asked over and over again for a new anti-depressant only to find each one that is prescribed for me if harmful to Vance, so I think I've given up asking.  Especially with the last one.  I read the pamphlet that came form the pharmacy only to find it can cause him to have seizures!!  So I am doing what I can to keep myself under control.  Not easy for me since I already suffered from depression before I ever got pregnant. Then throw in hormones and a poor prenatal diagnosis which all add fuel to my fire.  So I struggle but Vu is the main one suffering trying to figure out how to deal with me when I hit a bad spot.

I'm almost at the point I can't take it

Today Vance was very still.  I just met with the Dr. last week who told me to start doing kick counts last week.  The same one who I told to do the tests to prevent still birth.  One I actually thought I liked, because she acted like she got it.  I call the office today because I noticed last night and today that he wasn't as active as usual.  I'm sure it wouldn't have mattered if they told me that or not they freak me out all the time with the things they say and I would have been worried even if they hadn't said a word at all.  He wasn't acting like he usually does.  So I wait til I can start doing the counting because I know they are going to ask me if I did that.  So I count for an hour and sure enough it's below what they want.  I call and get put off for an hour.  But I count again, and again lower than they want.  The nurse calls and says she will speak to the dr.  I am expecting a relatively quick turn around since it's an important issue and I already counted for 2 hours.  No! I don't get another call until 2 hours later.  Then they say don't worry about it.  That it's too soon to worry about it. Even though the time to "worry" about it is only a week away.  Fetal movements aren't regular enough at this stage they say.  I say no he's really regular with his schedule.  As a matter of fact that is one the the first things I noticed about him.  He has a fairly set routine.  He was off his schedule this weekend, but he was still pretty much himself, VERY ACTIVE.  Not today.  I couldn't wake him up this morning and usually he is the one waking me up (or at least motivating me to get out of bed). But "OH you can go to the hospital if you really think you have to" but we don't want you coming into the office and making another dr mad because we wouldn't normally see you for this so soon".

It's Another Day

I've been planning a lot for Vance's birth and memorial. I've met with the palliative care team at MUSC. They are the Dr's who coordinate "not doing anything" as I like to call it. They say their job is to make him comfortable and help make sure our wishes are met. It makes me cry to have to talk to them. One of them said the word die and I thought I would just hearing them say that while talking about my baby. I wrote out a birth plan a couple weeks ago and finalised what I wanted to say earlier this week. I'll post it later in case anyone is interested. I had to send it so they could make it part of my record in case we went earlier than expected. They talk to me about things I don't want to think about. At my appointment this week we were scheduling my c section and they were telling me not to wait to late because risk of still birth. Then right after that we were talking about testing the do to prevent still birth which they normally wouldn't do for me. Seems like a contradiction does it not? Again making me angry that they think it's ok just to not care anymore. I looked straight at the dr and said no I want the tests. The whole reason I am doing this is to hold my son alive at least one time.