Monday, August 24, 2009

I'm almost at the point I can't take it

Today Vance was very still.  I just met with the Dr. last week who told me to start doing kick counts last week.  The same one who I told to do the tests to prevent still birth.  One I actually thought I liked, because she acted like she got it.  I call the office today because I noticed last night and today that he wasn't as active as usual.  I'm sure it wouldn't have mattered if they told me that or not they freak me out all the time with the things they say and I would have been worried even if they hadn't said a word at all.  He wasn't acting like he usually does.  So I wait til I can start doing the counting because I know they are going to ask me if I did that.  So I count for an hour and sure enough it's below what they want.  I call and get put off for an hour.  But I count again, and again lower than they want.  The nurse calls and says she will speak to the dr.  I am expecting a relatively quick turn around since it's an important issue and I already counted for 2 hours.  No! I don't get another call until 2 hours later.  Then they say don't worry about it.  That it's too soon to worry about it. Even though the time to "worry" about it is only a week away.  Fetal movements aren't regular enough at this stage they say.  I say no he's really regular with his schedule.  As a matter of fact that is one the the first things I noticed about him.  He has a fairly set routine.  He was off his schedule this weekend, but he was still pretty much himself, VERY ACTIVE.  Not today.  I couldn't wake him up this morning and usually he is the one waking me up (or at least motivating me to get out of bed). But "OH you can go to the hospital if you really think you have to" but we don't want you coming into the office and making another dr mad because we wouldn't normally see you for this so soon".

And that is NOT and exaggeration on the quote.  After I hung up and cried for a few minutes, I started to get really angry and then completely frustrated.  If I weren't in this situation I'd switch dr's, but I have NO CHOICE anymore.  I HAVE to go there because that is the only hospital that can take Vance with his condition.  I can't believe this is happening.  I feel like I never should have told them we weren't going to do the surgeries.  If I had kept it to myself they would be doing more to take care of him.  I am on the verge to telling them I changed my mind just so we don't have to do this and then at the last minute at the hospital when he is born "changing" my mind again.  I guess to them what is the point.  He's going to die sooner or later so who cares if it's now in utero or 4 hours after he is born.  This is ridiculous.  I guess they think I want it both ways and in a way I guess I do, but maybe what they fail to understand is that the reason for not doing the surgery is for Vance not for me.  I WANT HIM.  I want him more than anyone can know. But I don't want to see him suffer not just the surgeries, but life afterward too (if he was able to have one).  I don't want him to be so helpless for so long and not have a life worth living.  I don't want to let him go, I have to, for his sake. They are only doing anything at all for him FOR ME.  So I can deal with it/ accept it. I think they have it backwards.  If they did what they could for him now and let me ease into letting him go later when the actual time comes, that would help me deal with it accept it. I keep saying over and over again, it's like the are forced to do what they do because of my choice to keep going.  They don't want to, that seems very obvious, but they are legally bound to keep going if that is my choice.  I feel helpless and alone.  How can I do anything about it?  I sent the Palliative team (the do nothing Dr's) my birth plan last week and in it said that I thought everyone was just giving up on him and treating me differently.  I told them to be positive with us and that we valued his life and as drs they should be the most respectful of that.  Not sure anyone other than their team has seen it yet.  I was hoping it would help me avoid situations like this.  I guess it's time to take off the kid gloves next time and just tell them they aren't doing their jobs if they aren't in it with me.  I'll have to start seeing every dr at that hospital until I find one that truly supports me or make a big ass fuss so even if they don't want to they do.  Heck Med Mal is one of our practice groups, I don't to throw around the MotleyRice name, but I gotta start seeing results.

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