Saturday, August 29, 2009

My moments

I hope I am not too depressing for everyone else when I write these blogs but this is my outlet.  I see too many doctors to have time to see a therapists, so this is my therapy.  I've asked over and over again for a new anti-depressant only to find each one that is prescribed for me if harmful to Vance, so I think I've given up asking.  Especially with the last one.  I read the pamphlet that came form the pharmacy only to find it can cause him to have seizures!!  So I am doing what I can to keep myself under control.  Not easy for me since I already suffered from depression before I ever got pregnant. Then throw in hormones and a poor prenatal diagnosis which all add fuel to my fire.  So I struggle but Vu is the main one suffering trying to figure out how to deal with me when I hit a bad spot.
Today I had a moment.  I knew I was going to have a melt down but I waited to do it alone.  He went to shower and I let myself think about it and cry while he was busy, but forced myself to stop and get over it once he was done.  He could tell I had been crying but I wouldn't tell him why. I hate been so obsessed with my sadness and don't want to let Vance or our situation dominate every conversation we have.  What set me off actually was him.  He was on the floor playing with the dog while I sat on the couch enjoying watching him.  It made me think of what it would be like watching him play with the baby crawling on the floor.  I could see them both laying on their stomachs facing each other laughing and playing.  Then I imagined him throwing him up in the air and hearing Vance giggle as Vu caught him.  Then reality hits.  Knowing none of that will ever happen.  He is going to miss out on so much.  Other people tell him what a great dad he will be and how lucky the baby is to have him for a father. But he has not experienced his own child yet.  How amazing it feels to hold that baby who is part of you.  I've heard it called choosing to have your heart live outside of your body and as far as I have been able to put it into words that's the best description I can find.  It's enough to take your breath away.  Pretty wonderful.  I keep trying to stay focused on that for Vance.  Maybe that's what helps keep me going...knowing how incredible that feeling it is to see and hold that baby for the first time.  I keep hoping for that magic moment for Vu.  I pray it is how imagine it for him.  I don't want him to lose that too.  We talk about it sometimes and I ask him how he will react.  He honestly doesn't know.  I think it frightens both of us that he doesn't know.  Mostly because I think we both fear the worse, that he will just shut me and everything about Vance out.  He has even mention not staying with me once Vance is born (at the hospital or house).  He  knows it upsets me and he doesn't want to let me down or leave me to handle it alone, but he just doesn't deal with emotions.  He sent me this Quote once, it was something like.. People think a man is cold when he only has secret pains no one knows.   He fears it may be more than he can face especially with so many other people who will be around me, because I couldn't bear not to have as many people around me as I can get.  He is such a private person anyway.  "It's not the asian way" let your emotions take over.  But I think we both know there won't be much he can do about this one.  How could it not get to him?  At first I let it bother me that he didn't cry with me or tell me how sad he was, but I came to understand and accept that his way of coping was different than mine.  We are different in so many ways.  Our Families are drastically different in how they all handle issues. And we both tend to follow what our families do.  Mine are very touchy feely emotional people who let everything get to us. Softies!!  His takes the hits and shrugs it off, "Life goes on" kind of people.  I remember him telling me long before we even know we were pg that if one of his siblings died he wouldn't cry.  I didn't believe him (still don't) but that is how he expects to handle his grief.

No comments:

Post a Comment